UNDERSTANDING CHILDREN’S GRIEF

When a child loses a parent, either through death or divorce, mourning is a natural response. Mourning is a process that includes several distinct stages. These stages do not happen in any specific order; nor is their duration predictable. Although it is essentially the same process, mourning the loss of a parent by divorce is often more difficult and prolonged than mourning the loss of a parent by death.

"Mourning is the process by which reality takes the form of memory and replaces hope." It is very difficult to replace hope when a child's parent is not only alive, but in frequent contact, during visitation between children and their divorced parents. The model, which Elizabeth Kubler-Ross offers in regard to death and dying, is quite appropriate in relation to separation and divorce. In fact, there has been a death - the death of a relationship - not only as it was in the parents' own reality, but also as it existed in the children's sense of fantasy, and their expectations of the future.

The stages of the mourning process, although distinct, often overlap and sometimes repeat themselves over time, before the process runs its course. The rate, pace and extent of resolution are heavily influenced by the age and developmental stages of the individual children, as well as by the openness of communication within the family unit. Children need information about their situation in amounts and levels of complexity that they can handle. Four different children from one family might be experiencing four different stages of the mourning process, all at the same time and all in his or her own manner.

While the children are grieving, so is each of the parents, each at his or her own pace, with his or her own mixture of pain, anger, sadness, anxiety and excitement.

Children are likely to feel more helpless than their parents, since they have little actual control or power to influence the outcome of the crisis the family is experiencing. Therefore, children may struggle for power in school or other places, thereby creating additional stress for themselves and their families, as well as their teachers.


THE STAGES OF THE MOURNING PROCESS


SHOCK AND DENIAL: ("Why me? What is the matter with us as a family?") Anger is a natural response and both parents are likely targets for the anger. Children, however, often experience a double bind regarding expressions of their anger. For example: "If I express my anger at you, Mom, will I lose you, too?" -or- "If I express my anger at you, Dad, will you stop loving me as you have stopped loving Mom?" -or- "If I express my anger at school, will my teachers stop being supportive?"

Adults need to recognize that the child's anger has to do with the fact of the separation, not necessarily with the people involved in it. Of course, divorced parents are often the targets of their children's anger; parents as well as teachers may need help and support to avoid absorbing the anger as a personal attack.

BARGAINING: "Yes, me, but..." Children tend to accept guilt or fault for the bad things that happen to them. They are strongly attached to magical thinking, which locks them into a strong belief that a thought, wish, or act of their own has caused the separation. On this same line, they may try to bargain to circumvent or delay the disaster. They may promise to be good (either overtly or covertly) out of a belief and expectation that if they are good enough, divorce will not happen to them or their family. This desire to be good enough adds a tremendous amount of responsibility, which often creates further anger and frustration within the child.

DEPRESSION: "Yes, me..."A sense of resignation, defeat, helplessness and sorrow may take the form of withdrawal, passivity, lack of interest in school work and other normal activities involving their friends and school mates. Depression may take the form of regression in areas such as self-help, toileting and bedwetting. Depression may also be seen taking the forms of hyperactivity, temper tantrums, mood swings, crying jags, physical aggression toward peers and adults, as well as other school-based behavior problems.

ACCEPTANCE: "This is my life." Normalization of life's rhythms occurs and the acceptance of parents’ new partners as important new people in the children’s own lives begins. With acceptance comes the resumption of normal school activities and improvement in academic work up to previously achieved standards. In addition, children move away from an intense focus on family issues to an involvement with their own friends and social activities.

Be aware of anniversary reactions - even after acceptance has occurred, other stages may re-occur.

Recognize when a child is stuck, or when the intensity of her or his response is outside their normal range. Remember: normal is a range.

Give children a reasonable chance to recover - there are many variables that affect the child' recovery: the age of the child at the time of the parents' separation the degree of disharmony or family violence the child has witnessed; the child's role within the family; and the parents' progress in resolving custody, financial and separate housing issues. One year is an average time in which to expect a return to normal life's rhythms. If the parents are still fighting, or either parent continues to act depressed or resentful, children's lives cannot be expected to normalize.



YOU NEED HELP:

1. When children's behaviors are triggering intense and powerful reactions in you which seem out of proportion to the situation, or when a child's behavior evokes responses from you that you neither like nor respect.

2. When children repeatedly ask the same question or respond in the same inappropriate manner and your best explanations have little impact on their behavior.

3. When you feel like you cannot handle what is going on. A child's problems can become too complex or too numerous to be handled within the family. You do not have to solve everything on your own - help is available in many forms, including individual, family or group counseling.

PLEASE CONTACT US TO FIND OUT WHAT TYPE OF HELP YOU NEED