1. Humor: "Life is too important to be taken seriously". Relationships are in trouble when partners can no longer see the humor in a situation. To stay together, we must remember how to play together.

2. "YOU ARE RIGHT": Three simple words guaranteed to end an argument.

3. The art of asking real questions: "Why didn't you tell me you were going to be late? " is not a question - it is an accusation in the form of a question. WHY?" questions almost always evoke a defensive reaction. Real questions elicit new information. A real question cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or "no".

4. SPEND TIME TOGETHER: Prioritize spending time together outside the routines of daily life. Your relationship deserves attention and conscious investment of time, energy and money for therapy, as well as outings away from children, work and household responsibilities.

5. Have your touchiest discussions in a public place. Discussions held over dinner in a restaurant are less subject to explosive outbursts, distractions by children, or telephones. You and your partner may be less likely to storm out of a restaurant, and chances are better that you will both stick with a heated discussion until a resolution is reached.

6. Eliminate the words - "always - every - never - forever" from your mutual dialogues. These four words, whether stated or implied, are key triggers for fights. They are guaranteed to elicit a defensive reaction.

7. Consider your partner’s motives. When you are feeling, angry, hurt or betrayed because of something your partner has said or done; first take a moment for quiet reflection. Then ask yourself the following question: "Do I believe, deep in my heart, that my partner intended, to insult, betray, or otherwise anger or hurt me? If you believe that it was his or her intention to hurt or anger you, then your need for couples’ counseling or other therapeutic intervention is urgent. On the other hand, if you look into your partner’s heart and see no malice or ill will, then it becomes easier to proceed toward forgiveness. The route to forgiveness is change. You are looking for more than a simple apology. Each of you needs to examine your own behavior. Decide what you would choose to do differently under similar circumstances. Then make an explicit agreement to behave differently next time.

8. Recognize that change is a process. There are several stages in the process
and none can be skipped if lasting substantive change is what you want to
achieve.

Stage 1: "So that's it!" Recognition that a pattern or specific problem is
happening again.

Stage 2: "Oh, it just happened again!"

Stage 3: "It is happening again and I am in the middle of it, but I can't stop it
or make it turn out differently."

Stage 4: "It's about to happen, but now I know how to make different choices."

Stage 5: "Oh yes, I remember; that used to happen."

9. GET HELP: We enter relationships only knowing what we learned (or did not learn) from our parents about solving conflicts. If you did not have good role models for conflict resolution in your family, chances are your mate did not either. We choose partners who will allow us to do what we already know how to do; and what we know is what we learned in our families of origin. Many couples need help learning new tools to apply to conflicts in their relationships. Couples’ or family counseling can be a good context for learning new skills.

10. Many people believe that "love" is the most important key to the survival of a relationship. Love is vital, takes many forms, and evolves over time. Infatuation, passion, deep trust, sexual intimacy, and comfortable familiarity each could fit someone’s definition of "love". Tolerance and acceptance, are more reliable keys to sustaining a successful relationship. Practicing tolerance will help a couple through many ragged places in their relationship. No two people agree on everything, nor find all their partners’ habits acceptable: never mind finding those habits loveable. Tolerance makes it possible to see past a bad habit, into the heart of the relationship where acceptance abides and love endures.